Cockeyed

Cockeyed

Ready for Christmas - no! Not yet!

It breaks me out in a cold sweat!

Yuletide started in September;

I want those cards to dismember!

Valentine for sale on Boxing Day

I'd shut all shops if I had my way!

Mother’s day is fast arriving,

On this day the florists are thriving.

Plants and chocs they fill the shelves,

With Easter Eggs and not much else.

We should be celebrating Christmas day

And not be led so much astray.

Guy Fawkes, New year, they coincide;

Am very confused - it's so cockeyed!

He tried to blow up houses in November,

Now we're lighting up the sky in December!

Now some thoughts of forthcoming lent

And I think of all the money spent.

We have to take the decorations down;

But there are January sales in every town!

With bargains around for Fathers' day,

My credit card company I have to repay.

It's very cold with snow on the street

Need to get home for some bubble and squeak.

Summer holiday booked while so freezing,

The sand, sea and sun are teasing.

Baubles and tinsel are still glistening -

The T.V.'s blaring but no one is listening!

Am thinking about the trick or treats.

And keeping aside some festive sweets.

The flashing lights on homes galore

It's much too early - what a bore!

Everything seems so topsy turvy

And each year, it seems so early.

And as we tuck into too much Turkey,

It feels as if we've got too quirky!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

3/12/2015

Driving me mad!

Driving me mad!

'Kill your speed'

You're having a laugh!

It would have been quicker

To walk on the path!

Women with babies

Are passing me by!

Elderly gents and ladies;

I sit here and sigh.

Gas works, electrics,

They all need repairing

And my own water works;

(My bladder's unsparing)

It's appalling, keep stalling

Am fed up with crawling.

And people are bawling -

They keep on name calling.

There's no one to blame,

It's always the same.

Tempers are frayed;

I'm now so delayed!

Three way traffic lights

So many diversions

Are such an aversion

Could it really worsen?

Keep using my brakes

And can’t overtake

There’s so much at stake

Just need a break.

It's so hard to say

If I get there on time

Now I've filled my ashtray

It's now overtime.

Linda Lawrence

20th November 2015

Med dread

Med dread

Well, I’ve read all information,

Know my title and address,

My age and the generic name,

Exactly how much I possess.

I know who prescribed these meds,

The pharmacy it was dispensed!

Read the English translation;

Know the date when to commence.

The guidelines how it must be used

The way it needs to be applied.

I know how long it will last

But been unable to comply.

It’s kept just inside the fridge

Until it’s out of date,

Am well informed of what it will do

And even know its weight!

But is this child or adult proof

Am getting quite annoyed!

If I could only start to use it

I would be thoroughly overjoyed!

I’ve turned it this way and that

And trying to stay calm.

Have even resorted to blackmail

But can’t quite twist its arm.

I’ve pushed pulled, used a knife

To open it before end of shelf life.

Nearly thrown it out of the window

As it’s given me so much strife!

I’ve reread the instructions

But can’t find what I need.

There’s no further information;

Think I will have to concede.

Can’t seem to prize it open;

I’ve given it a nudge,

Spoke to it nicely but

The cap, it just won’t budge!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

26^th September 2015

(Inspired by Winifred)

Let me call you sweetheart

Let me call you sweetheart

You may be old and rusty

But you still play that tune to me.

Maybe a little fusty

But very much in key!

I wind you up behind your back,

You play that same old song.

Time and again that same old track

But together we belong.

With you I’d never get bored,

When you call me sweetheart!

Nor would you be ignored

And never would we part.

You are a little grubby

Stuck away in a dark room.

Older and more scruffy

But you lighten up my gloom.

You’d send me off to sleep

From bygone days your lullaby.

My parents bought such a treat!

So I would never say goodbye!

So let me call you sweetheart

I’m in love with you.

Let me hear you whisper

That you love me too.

And Thumper you belong with me,

Behind you is the wind up key;

You’ve been with me since I was three

Unwrapped from the Christmas tree!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

10^th September

For my Mum and Dad

Muesli

Muesli

I know it’s good for you and me

But it should have stayed in Germany!

And the Swiss probably think its bliss;

Would much rather give it a miss!

It’s probably best value for money

But even with added runny honey

It tastes like milk-soaked cardboard;

Assorted pieces like mixed up hardboard!

An early morning breakfast call;

Would rather not get up at all!

With some flakes and added nuts.

(Apparently beneficial for our guts)

Am thinking is this really rabbit food,

To others, this would sound quite rude.

Pieces of fruit, some berries dried,

Great for the digestive system I cry!

But personally, this is not for me;

It tastes like wood-chips from a tree!

With all the seeds and chewy grains

At least with this, weight wouldn’t gain.

And plenty of other leathery stuff

One tiny teaspoon is quite enough!

But as this passes down my throat

At least today I’ve had my oats.

Linda Lawrence

Copyright 17^th August 2015

In a bid for a bra!

In a bid for a bra

There's something about my extra bits

The reason why my bras don't fit!

They feel so squashed in an f cup;

They feel so tight and bundled up.

I've travelled so wide and far

To find a sensible fitting bra,

Got a lot on top, enough to share

But others would say, it's just not fair!

Got to get this off my chest

Coz there are times I feel hard pressed,

I really should be feeling blessed

But other times, I get so stressed!

It's not fair - I've been outbid

By some other person by just a quid!

I bid again and upped my price,

With others, now that's not so nice,

They have the volume just like mine,

Might have better luck next time.

There are times they feel compressed

And I do like to keep abreast.

Behind the blue and silver screen,

Has the size of in-between.

The deal is done and it's a clinch

From e bay, and the extra inch!

Linda Lawrence

5th August 2015

Phone moan

Phone Moan

It's about time I had a moan

About my so called mobile phone!

It’s well outside my comfort zone;

Surely I am not alone?!

I just want to have a chat

To someone about this and that!

But what are all these apps -

And what is whatsap

And all this other crap?

Really can't read road maps;

Or the Internet to browse at.

To make a call is my aim

Not to sit downloading games!

This is as light as a feather

But tells me all about the weather!

When all I want to do is blether!

Surely this couldn’t get any worse

Coz all I want is to converse!

Think I ought to be reimbursed!

I don't need a slow demo

About an unused written memo,

Or a loud bleep to remind

About my day of being assigned.

It seems I’ve lost my wi-fi

And really don’t know why.

Technically it’s easier said than done

And not finding my phone much fun.

Don't like to laugh and mock it

As now it’s taken a photo

Of the inside of my pocket!

Alongside of some old written docket;

And this phone is so tiny,

I can't find the recharge socket.

Am sure it's all down to hype

And really don't want to gripe

But how on earth can one Skype

On something so small?

Don’t understand this phone at all

When all I want to do

Is to make a telephone call!

Don’t need a task manager,

Or know the date on the calendar.

Don’t want the news

Or spend half the day

To work out how to snooze

Or keep on fretting

About the mobile phone settings!

And of this social hub

Surely it's easier to socialise

At the local pub?

And now I realise

I was disconnected when connected

And the contact who I contacted

Was not whom I expected!

I thought that they’d be a snag

When all I wanted was a chin wag!

Don’t mean to be a dinosaur

But my memory has got so poor.

Bring back the phones with a dial,

Easy to use and with a smile!

I remember the red telephone Booths

When Life was easier in my youth.

Linda Lawrence

3^rd July 2015

Level Three!

Level Three!

Am muddling through

And struggling too.

It makes me mad

And also sad,

That this is going to take

Several months to do!

I think of apostrophes

While making some tea;

The Maths I hate the most;

And those quotes!

There must be easier ways

To divide up some toast?

Learn how to proof read

And how to succeed!

Become a number one shopper;

The best of floor moppers!

After all said and done

This could be quite fun!

Level three;

For the price tag of 20p!

And ‘goggle’ eyed!

And goodness’ knows

I’ve tried!

(Need a glass of Bordeaux)

To improve my arithmetic

Just a little bit!

But what this got to with it?

Though I hate to admit

That I haven’t a clue

What I’m striving to do!

Start with a capital letter!

Begin to speak a bit better!

Has punctuation changed?

Or been rearranged

Or has it always been the same -

Completely unchanged?

I have started a unit

And don’t want to ruin it;

It’s way past the witching hour

And the P.C.'s now moon lit

So many different ways

To get through the day!

Oh let’s have a gripe!

Prefer to type, than write!

Watch my P’s’ and Q’s’

Don’ts’ and do’s’

That I’ll have to attend to.

And this is déjà vu.

I will learn how to read;

Learn how to proceed;

Learn how to write;

Law and human rights;

Have a second sight;

Be more polite!

Tho’ at the end of it all

I will be a lot older;

Feel a lot bolder!

It is rather dire,

I might have to retire

And give it the cold shoulder...

Linda Lawrence

20^th May 2015

Sahara

Send A Hose And Rinse Away

On our face, in our hair and over our heads,

Our floors, clothes and our flower beds!

You can keep your rats, cacti and reptiles but

How on earth has it travelled thousands of miles?

Over our houses, our shops and our cars,

Windows and pavements, it's spread so far.

Built sand castles from dunes in our study

But as it rains down it looks so muddy.

You could have sent over some traditional food

And what you’ve delivered over has a strange hue!

Tho' it will come in handy to mix up cement

As we need more houses in Essex and Kent.

Your desert has spilt over our tee shirts,

Blown here and there around our skirts!

Glad you kept hold of all your camels,

Scorpions, snakes and other mammals!

Our beaches now pretty with shingle and sand;

We ought to be grateful that you've lent a hand!

It must have bypassed the Bay of Biscay

And landed on our soil from all that way.

A yellow like coating on bird’s bees and trees

Overseas Sahara in our air and the breeze

And among the rubbish and the debris

Some African sunshine and Vitamin D.

Please next time may the wind blow

Further down south and way down below.

It might be useful for somewhere that snows

And Greenland might like the gift you bestow.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

15th April 2015