Bone of contention

 Bone of contention

 

I think about things from years ago.

The age of seventeen but still feel the blow.

Your accusing pointed finger,

Shouted and swore at me.

Just as well I was there at the time

For you to put the blame on me.

 

I did not lie -why should I?

And yet the shouting, the arguing,

I quickly said goodbye.

It caused a rift for many years

You used me as a scapegoat

I cried so many tears.

 

Your behaviour, your affair, your guilt!

Can't see this family ever rebuilt

Then years after, your did it again!

Another affair (But she loved her men)

I found it so hard to look you in the eye

Not my fault and no one asked why.

 

About this time, I could not cope

And with a glimmer of hope

Get my own life on track.

You and her behind some backs.

I wasn’t involved but was related

Speechless, felt nauseated.

 

If the truth came out your folks would break

But what would leave me Is this terrible ache.

You caused the mess I was oblivious!

Yet I'm seen as hated, feel so deflated

While your behaviour was hideous. 

Selfish and ridiculous.

 

You know I’ve been poorly,

You would have been told, surely?

Not even well wishes,  no card

No phone call, no message, has hit me so hard.

You can go to your grave with all your vile secrets

But you’ve left me with a legacy I’ll never forget.

 

With thoughts back to the mid 70s

 

Copyright Linda Lawrence 09/10/2025

Still me

 

Still me

 

Lopsided , wonky, awkward, misshapen 

And shaken.

Unbalanced, uneven, distorted, 

My chest unsupported. 

Disfigured , warped and swollen,

My shape has been stolen.

Deformed maimed, scarred 

And mutated

Deep down , devastated.

 

Painful, achy,

So much sleep -

Wakey wakey.

Exercises to keep

Rest, naps kips, snooze,

Tender and bruised.

 

Will I care 

That people might stare

Or look elsewhere?

Am I prepared?

 

Un-shapely, swollen, sore, 

So different from before.

Disproportioned, one sided,

A little lopsided.

But it was decided

And I'm clear sighted. 

 

Life saved, felt brave and I praise 

And thank you - so grateful! 

And I appreciate 

After discussion, debate.

Did not hesitate. 

Feel humbled and blessed 

You got rid of my diseased breast.

And although I'm not the same physically,

What I see mentally

Is still me.

 

Linda Lawrence

With thoughts from August 2025

 

Misshapen

 

  

Misshapen

 

I look at my misshapen breast

Knew there was something wrong.

I thought it might be cancer,

Had a feeling all along,

 

Before I got it looked at,

Before my breast got seen,

A deep sense of foreboding

It had even been foreseen.

 

I felt a lump deep inside

Leaning on nerve and tissue.

Every word in my head is the same

Fearful of what this might come to.

 

From anytime I wake up

Cancer’s the word in my head.

It overtakes my every thought

Until the time I go to bed.

 

It’s got a number and a grade

Which doesn’t make me worry less,

I am so frightened and afraid

Emotionally not at my best

 

The skin is puckered and dimpled

And growing inside me

An unwanted mass of cells dividing

Invading my privacy.

I might lose a breast

Am looking a little disfigured,

Making the most of what I have

As I look into the mirror.

Been through the  menopause

Going to go through another,

Estrogen for another five years

None of this is straight sailing .

 

Feeling numb about the future

Will the disease leave with the breast

My life in in your hands

The doctors will know best.

 

With thoughts from May 2025

 

 

 

Under the Oaks

 

Under the Oaks

The years of hope and now, powerful urge

Watching you sitting on a grass verge,

Under the shade of some old Oak trees

To make this day so special to me.

 

Waiting so long to get much closer,

Trying to keep my composure!

You have always been so elusive,

My findings were always inconclusive.

 

I longed to see you with a purple hue

Though it was enough to get close to you.

Flying past so quickly by

And above the Oaks, they were so high.

 

As time went by,  my curiosity

Kept on getting the better of me.

I had to get closer and didn’t foresee,

The beautiful experience you gave to me.

 

It’s true you like things rotting and smelly.

But nearer to you, my legs turn to jelly!

I love your eye on your fragile wing

And all the pleasure that you bring.

 

That day so hot and overcast

You sat there, chilling in the grass.

You opened your wings, welcomed me in

As you climbed up my moistened skin.

 

You helped yourself to my perspiration -

I just felt so much elation!

Your yellow proboscis , drunk my sweat

A day that I will never forget!

 

For half an hour, you fed away

The salt you needed for the day.

And when the sun was strong in heat

I let you go for your roost and sleep.

 

Copyright Linda Lawrence

 

03/07/2025

Can't shake this disease

Can’t shake this disease

 

Need to see you doc

I've got a spot

And it's been itching a lot.

Got through to reception

All I got was rejection.

Need an injection

Of physician affection.

 

And after the maze

My head’s in a haze

From the options and choice

Want to hear a kind human voice.

But instead,

A well-read

Monotone multiple-choice,

Looking after my wellbeing

But will I be seen?

Or listen to this droning machine.

 

Pulled my own tooth out.

No dentists about.

It had got infected

Again, got rejected.

Yanked it out today

The root and the decay.

 

Really need some ointment

But there are no appointments.

Just pain and disappointment.

Seems you've got to be in the loop

Or extremely ill,

To get a prescription

For a pill.

 

Need a good dosage

Of a diagnosis,

Someone to look after my brains -

And my veins!

Feeling the strain

And the remains

Of afterpains.

 

Tried to contact GP

Now well over sixty

Pressed many phone keys.

While feeling so crappy

And there's no guarantee

Anyone will see me.

 

There is an outbreak

NHS in a state.

Now it's one big bellyache

Feeling so much unease

Can't shake this disease.

Fill a form online

Can’t do it, almost blind

But I must address

The NHS

You’re doing your best

It’s not your fault it’s a mess.

But I do need some antibiotics,

Please.   

 

Copyright Linda Lawrence

20^th June 2025