Once bitten.....

Once bitten....

Heard a rumour that a spoonful of marmite

Would deter a mozzie from their bite

And the gossip from the product SSS,

Might stop them feeding from my legs!

(It works for the army in hot nations

As Avon add on their inflations)

But then with all probability

I might start stinking of scented gravy....

And even though the use of a repellent

It doesn’t seem to be a good deterrent;

As they play their mozzie drone

Another itchy spot that makes me moan!

Perhaps better to start to think again

About our life cycle of a food chain

And let the birds devour succulent eats

Of gnats, fresh blood –won’t deny their treats!

So what of taking an antihistamine?

Would midge eating animals think that mean?

Taken with wine, all would be fine

Sleep at night on the washing line!

Mosquito you are a nasty organism

With all your filth but some wisdom

Your short life here is very quick

This is just as well coz you make me sick!

Linda Lawrence

 23^rd June 2012

Touchy feely...

Touchy feely

It’s been ten years of hard toil picking up your stuff,

I think it time we drew a line and say enough’s enough!

From dust, to dirt, and filth, to grime and loads of skin and fluff,

Don’t you care that I’m fed up - now I’m fucked up and duff?

Am feeling ineffective, old and not so bold;

Now I’m all defective - keep blowing hot and cold!

The first time that you saw me, I was bought and sold

It’s just a shame you don’t feel the same, now I’m on the fold.

You’ve pushed and shoved, yanked, jerked and tugged

And dragged and heaved, hauled, pulled and lugged!

All I want in my old age is some respect (and perhaps a hug)

Fed up with sucking up to carpets that own blood-sucking bugs.

I’ve cleaned your stairs picked up all your hairs,

Disgusting brown, peroxide blonde with some grey and fair.

It’s time to buy another model - now they can have their share!

(Just be grateful that I gave you many years of wear and tear)

Remember the time I stood by your side with all that rubble?

I patiently picked it up and sucked - saved you a lot of trouble!

And all the things you can’t see, like hairy shaving stubble!

I’m blowing now, not sucking, am getting very muddled.

And In my dustbag, there are loads of fags, bits of mags

Scraps and rags, it’s got a drag and I’ll be glad

To retire. And you’ll be sorry and will be sad

Coz I’m won’t be around to clean your carpet shag!

I must admit, I’ve lost my wit, now I’m falling to bits,

My pipes are all long broken now a mix of sellotape and plastic!

I’ve slowed right down and with a frown, now I’m deemed unfit.

It’s high time now you considered buying a newer kit.

I’m not as young as I used to be, not so touchy-feely;

Not working as I used to, can’t be pushed around so freely.

My days are almost through now I’m not so steely.

With lots of love, in Hoover land, from your faithful Miele!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

For my Mum 12^th July 2012