Sixty

Sixty

Don't want to be sixty

Didn't want to be fifty!

And hated being forty;

Being thirty just transfixed me!

At twenty, it convinced me

Was an age until I’m sixty!

How I got here is a mystery-

And years before it hit me!

Now sixty, so much history.

(Not feeling very frisky)

But please do not dismiss me!

Now it's here to afflict me

And no longer feeling nifty;

Am itchy bitchy, twitchy witchy

Hormonal, antisocial, very vocal

Amazingly am still tea total!

Feet up – another cup of tea

Now it's here to inflict me!

Get it over and done with quickly

Before you have to assist me

To stop me getting typsy.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

 25^th June 2018

Colonoscopy

Colonoscopy 

The doctors have not forgotten

About the camera to look up my bottom!

Eleven whole foot-

Stay still and stay put!

It's all made me feel quite rotten.

I've eaten far too much cauli

And now feeling melancholy,

As well as quite peckish,

Am fed up with lettuce

And feels like i'm off my trolley!

You're having a look up my butt- 

I'm sure it will all be clear- cut!

I've been feeling crappy,

Just not very happy

At what's going on in my gut!

What's going on in my gastrointestinal tract

As I've not been able to crap?

I keep breaking wind

And just want it binned;

It's been a bit of a handy-cap.

I know you must find this all anal,

But really just want to be able

To sit on the loo

And be able to poo

Without finding it all so painful.

It's all become a pain, 

Not to mention a terrible strain!

Am so constipated

It's become complicated

Not to be able to pull my chain!

So just before this investigation

Am feeling like a gas station!

My bowels are now empty

There's nothing left in me!

Hope it's the end of my frustration.

Good luck Jen xx

11^th June 2018

Now or never!

On Sue's impending operation

Now or never! 

I’ve got to be rid of my toe!

The doctor says it just has to go!

I need a swift op -

Just a quick chop,

It will improve things - I know!

I’ll be able to wear pretty shoes -

More shops to peer in and peruse!

Get rid of the corn -

(Now that I won’t mourn)

And good to have plenty to choose!

Start to wear my boots;

That alone is an attribute!

Or just go with bare feet

With my plates of meat

And I will stand resolute!

My digit of vertebrate

Has been a little bit delicate.

It’s has been apart

And needs to depart.

It’s long been separate.

Now the doctor, he’s very clever

As he knows what bit to sever!

I know I’ll feel better

If it’s done by the letter;

It really is now or never!

So when it’s all done and at home,

You’ll no longer hear me moan

About my second digit

And various widgets

I won’t miss that broken bone!

For Sue

29^th May 2018

Advice!

For Nicky's impending wedding...

Advice!

I’d like to offer some advice and hope this is alright?

So, first you need to restrain yourselves before your wedding night!

I’m older than you and wiser too, so read and understand;

Until your wedding day, you must only hold Steve’s hand!

All toys locked away, under control, kept in a safe place

And you simply must keep wearing the pretty chastity brace.

All the whips you use for now must be the walnut kind

You know what people say – too much can turn you blind!

You can use the chocolate after your vows, use your imagination,

Enjoy the same endorphins – whatever your temptation!

Keep your supply of AA batteries under lock and key -

Distract yourself until 7^th July and drink some herbal tea!

And please take heed, no tying up on posts upon your bed

I’ll lend you 50 shades of grey – you can read this book instead.

So before you do indulge in your animal sexual behaviour

It’s a quiet little village – just think of all your neighbours!

The local pub, village hall, the many pretty little houses,

The shops and the children, the woman and their spouses.

I have some gags for you to use, for your personal bonding

Just a heed for silence and restraint – this is why I’m corresponding!

Years from now those batteries will be for your TV control

And Watching Coronation Street will be better for your soul....

Just ask Google!

Just ask Google!

As the alarm clock shrills,

Need to take my pills.

The washing machine beeps

 While I’m half asleep.

Alexa speaks -

This makes me freak!

Could've thrown the phone -

As alarms for medicine drones;

It's so very loud, 

Shouldn't be allowed!

As deafening as a thunder cloud!

Did I just take my drugs

With the cold tea from the mug?

Or from the water jug?

While I’m upstairs

The phone it blares

To take my tablets -

Just not in the habit!

The printer blips and bloops

Am jumping through hoops!

The front door bell rings,

The microwave pings.

My Ready meals' ready

So quickly already!

Everything is just

So high tech

And makes a din,

I jump out of my skin!

Did I take my meds

Forgot to check

My nerves in shreds;

Asking Google on the PC

Just a futuristic wannabe!

Copywrite Linda Lawrence

10^th April 2018

I'm not here forever

I'm not here forever

Please do forgive your mum
That sometimes gets it wrong;
You are the baby in her eyes
She still nurtures
In her womb for nine months long.

On the day you come into the world
It was her job to protect.
Always her baby in her eyes
She loves so dearly
She wants your future to be perfect.

And through the cuts and grazes
Broken bones and broken heart.
Her own heart will hurt as much as yours
And cries your tears
As she has done so from the start.

And through the years of maturity
Sometimes things just went awry,
Now the child grown into adulthood
She adores so much
Her baby does not see her eyes cry.

Without the fear of being morbid
Mums' are not around forever,
Now the adult to the mother
Knows best; but she’ll worry.
Then all they knew will sever.

Inspired by Gemma and Joseph

Copywrite Linda Lawrence

9^th April 2018

Scanning for accents!

On our bathroom... 

Scanning for accents!

We scanned all the colours and avoided more green -

And most of the house is painted in cream!

We didn’t want to go to lengths and extremes;

Ignored all the shades that would stand out and gleam

Although not something subtle that wouldn’t be seen!

So we all found a hue - and all of us keen

And thought it would suit our sort of terrene!

Something quite casual that always looks clean -

(Not used before to suit our colour scheme)

Nor a colour that’s boring or mainstream.

A different choice for the bathroom theme -

Something that’s pretty amid all the steam!

And this time, it seems, we worked as a team!

And certain this colour will work like a dream -

As we all chose a splash of tangerine!

29^th March 2018