Now or never!

On Sue's impending operation

Now or never! 

I’ve got to be rid of my toe!

The doctor says it just has to go!

I need a swift op -

Just a quick chop,

It will improve things - I know!

I’ll be able to wear pretty shoes -

More shops to peer in and peruse!

Get rid of the corn -

(Now that I won’t mourn)

And good to have plenty to choose!

Start to wear my boots;

That alone is an attribute!

Or just go with bare feet

With my plates of meat

And I will stand resolute!

My digit of vertebrate

Has been a little bit delicate.

It’s has been apart

And needs to depart.

It’s long been separate.

Now the doctor, he’s very clever

As he knows what bit to sever!

I know I’ll feel better

If it’s done by the letter;

It really is now or never!

So when it’s all done and at home,

You’ll no longer hear me moan

About my second digit

And various widgets

I won’t miss that broken bone!

For Sue

29^th May 2018

Advice!

For Nicky's impending wedding...

Advice!

I’d like to offer some advice and hope this is alright?

So, first you need to restrain yourselves before your wedding night!

I’m older than you and wiser too, so read and understand;

Until your wedding day, you must only hold Steve’s hand!

All toys locked away, under control, kept in a safe place

And you simply must keep wearing the pretty chastity brace.

All the whips you use for now must be the walnut kind

You know what people say – too much can turn you blind!

You can use the chocolate after your vows, use your imagination,

Enjoy the same endorphins – whatever your temptation!

Keep your supply of AA batteries under lock and key -

Distract yourself until 7^th July and drink some herbal tea!

And please take heed, no tying up on posts upon your bed

I’ll lend you 50 shades of grey – you can read this book instead.

So before you do indulge in your animal sexual behaviour

It’s a quiet little village – just think of all your neighbours!

The local pub, village hall, the many pretty little houses,

The shops and the children, the woman and their spouses.

I have some gags for you to use, for your personal bonding

Just a heed for silence and restraint – this is why I’m corresponding!

Years from now those batteries will be for your TV control

And Watching Coronation Street will be better for your soul....

Just ask Google!

Just ask Google!

As the alarm clock shrills,

Need to take my pills.

The washing machine beeps

 While I’m half asleep.

Alexa speaks -

This makes me freak!

Could've thrown the phone -

As alarms for medicine drones;

It's so very loud, 

Shouldn't be allowed!

As deafening as a thunder cloud!

Did I just take my drugs

With the cold tea from the mug?

Or from the water jug?

While I’m upstairs

The phone it blares

To take my tablets -

Just not in the habit!

The printer blips and bloops

Am jumping through hoops!

The front door bell rings,

The microwave pings.

My Ready meals' ready

So quickly already!

Everything is just

So high tech

And makes a din,

I jump out of my skin!

Did I take my meds

Forgot to check

My nerves in shreds;

Asking Google on the PC

Just a futuristic wannabe!

Copywrite Linda Lawrence

10^th April 2018

I'm not here forever

I'm not here forever

Please do forgive your mum
That sometimes gets it wrong;
You are the baby in her eyes
She still nurtures
In her womb for nine months long.

On the day you come into the world
It was her job to protect.
Always her baby in her eyes
She loves so dearly
She wants your future to be perfect.

And through the cuts and grazes
Broken bones and broken heart.
Her own heart will hurt as much as yours
And cries your tears
As she has done so from the start.

And through the years of maturity
Sometimes things just went awry,
Now the child grown into adulthood
She adores so much
Her baby does not see her eyes cry.

Without the fear of being morbid
Mums' are not around forever,
Now the adult to the mother
Knows best; but she’ll worry.
Then all they knew will sever.

Inspired by Gemma and Joseph

Copywrite Linda Lawrence

9^th April 2018

Scanning for accents!

On our bathroom... 

Scanning for accents!

We scanned all the colours and avoided more green -

And most of the house is painted in cream!

We didn’t want to go to lengths and extremes;

Ignored all the shades that would stand out and gleam

Although not something subtle that wouldn’t be seen!

So we all found a hue - and all of us keen

And thought it would suit our sort of terrene!

Something quite casual that always looks clean -

(Not used before to suit our colour scheme)

Nor a colour that’s boring or mainstream.

A different choice for the bathroom theme -

Something that’s pretty amid all the steam!

And this time, it seems, we worked as a team!

And certain this colour will work like a dream -

As we all chose a splash of tangerine!

29^th March 2018

Screwed

Screwed

Must put on my thinking cap,

Getting in a proper flap!

Just want it unwrapped;

In there it’s trapped!

It’s my bad luck

And going to chuck

In the garbage truck

If it doesn’t come unstuck!

Tugged it, lugged it

Clenched it, wrenched it,

Sworn at it – torn at it!

Heaved it, peeved about it.

I’ve tried talking to it,

Walking on it,

Squawking at it

Now gawking at it.

Am sweating! Panting!

Around the room I’m chanting!

The scissors won’t cut -

It’s just closed shut!

Groaning about it

Moaning about it

Wish I’d known about it

I would have disowned it.

Palpitating, exasperating,

It’s got so very agitating!

Am rapidly ageing.

Need to keep concentrating.

Tried everything in fine detail

Resorted to blackmail!

Hours on end and no avail;

Sending it back in the mail!

This is just so frustrating!

I’ve tried delegating;

This thing needs liberating!

This pack containing

Things I need – I do indeed!

Need to concede!

I’ve been mislead

Or just misread

How to undo

This Shrink wrap spew;

Worse than superglue.

Think I’m screwed.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

8^th February 2018

Bangers and Flash

Bangers and Flash

Charity bags, chewing gum, blue and black pens,

Shopping bags, sweet wrappers, fluid to cleanse,

Rubbish that’s been left –all by my friends!

Paperbacks, Paperwork and all their gen,

Something that looks like a contact lens.

Library card, bus ticket and one from a train;

Information from that holiday in Spain!

An umbrella, just in case of rain;

A memo reminder that I need to retrain.

Why did I start this - must be insane!

A missing screw on the seat at the back,

A very important thing called a Jack.

An old cassette I can’t play with good tracks;

An empty packet of much needed Prozac.

The screw must have been for the luggage rack.

A magazine that’s been completely unread,

A used plaster from a knee that’s bled;

Picked up my lost scarf, that’s red!

Shopping left in my boot with rye bread,

A bluebottle fly, trod on and dead.

Have even found some loose cash

It’s beginning to look like a handsome stash!

(Could have been used for a future cache);

Cleaning away with a cloth full of Flash

Really needed to give it a bash.

The out of date Rennies under the seat, 

A spreadsheet -my old signed off worksheet!

Sticky paper and in it, a hairy old sweet;

Used up tissues have been under my feet!

Meant to give the cat, that now mouldy treat.

A pair of small scissors, elastic band;

Found knitted blue glove – for my right hand!

A wrapper of sorts from Sainsbury’s own brand

And right at the back, some mixed mud and sand!

(Should have sorted this out beforehand)

Am finding this all a bit too bizarre -

It’s amazing what is found in a jam jar!

A nearly all - eaten milk chocolate bar.

The vacuum still sucking and needed by far,

As I’m working my way through cleaning the car.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

23^rd December 2017