In a bid for a bra!

In a bid for a bra

There's something about my extra bits

The reason why my bras don't fit!

They feel so squashed in an f cup;

They feel so tight and bundled up.

I've travelled so wide and far

To find a sensible fitting bra,

Got a lot on top, enough to share

But others would say, it's just not fair!

Got to get this off my chest

Coz there are times I feel hard pressed,

I really should be feeling blessed

But other times, I get so stressed!

It's not fair - I've been outbid

By some other person by just a quid!

I bid again and upped my price,

With others, now that's not so nice,

They have the volume just like mine,

Might have better luck next time.

There are times they feel compressed

And I do like to keep abreast.

Behind the blue and silver screen,

Has the size of in-between.

The deal is done and it's a clinch

From e bay, and the extra inch!

Linda Lawrence

5th August 2015

Phone moan

Phone Moan

It's about time I had a moan

About my so called mobile phone!

It’s well outside my comfort zone;

Surely I am not alone?!

I just want to have a chat

To someone about this and that!

But what are all these apps -

And what is whatsap

And all this other crap?

Really can't read road maps;

Or the Internet to browse at.

To make a call is my aim

Not to sit downloading games!

This is as light as a feather

But tells me all about the weather!

When all I want to do is blether!

Surely this couldn’t get any worse

Coz all I want is to converse!

Think I ought to be reimbursed!

I don't need a slow demo

About an unused written memo,

Or a loud bleep to remind

About my day of being assigned.

It seems I’ve lost my wi-fi

And really don’t know why.

Technically it’s easier said than done

And not finding my phone much fun.

Don't like to laugh and mock it

As now it’s taken a photo

Of the inside of my pocket!

Alongside of some old written docket;

And this phone is so tiny,

I can't find the recharge socket.

Am sure it's all down to hype

And really don't want to gripe

But how on earth can one Skype

On something so small?

Don’t understand this phone at all

When all I want to do

Is to make a telephone call!

Don’t need a task manager,

Or know the date on the calendar.

Don’t want the news

Or spend half the day

To work out how to snooze

Or keep on fretting

About the mobile phone settings!

And of this social hub

Surely it's easier to socialise

At the local pub?

And now I realise

I was disconnected when connected

And the contact who I contacted

Was not whom I expected!

I thought that they’d be a snag

When all I wanted was a chin wag!

Don’t mean to be a dinosaur

But my memory has got so poor.

Bring back the phones with a dial,

Easy to use and with a smile!

I remember the red telephone Booths

When Life was easier in my youth.

Linda Lawrence

3^rd July 2015

Level Three!

Level Three!

Am muddling through

And struggling too.

It makes me mad

And also sad,

That this is going to take

Several months to do!

I think of apostrophes

While making some tea;

The Maths I hate the most;

And those quotes!

There must be easier ways

To divide up some toast?

Learn how to proof read

And how to succeed!

Become a number one shopper;

The best of floor moppers!

After all said and done

This could be quite fun!

Level three;

For the price tag of 20p!

And ‘goggle’ eyed!

And goodness’ knows

I’ve tried!

(Need a glass of Bordeaux)

To improve my arithmetic

Just a little bit!

But what this got to with it?

Though I hate to admit

That I haven’t a clue

What I’m striving to do!

Start with a capital letter!

Begin to speak a bit better!

Has punctuation changed?

Or been rearranged

Or has it always been the same -

Completely unchanged?

I have started a unit

And don’t want to ruin it;

It’s way past the witching hour

And the P.C.'s now moon lit

So many different ways

To get through the day!

Oh let’s have a gripe!

Prefer to type, than write!

Watch my P’s’ and Q’s’

Don’ts’ and do’s’

That I’ll have to attend to.

And this is déjà vu.

I will learn how to read;

Learn how to proceed;

Learn how to write;

Law and human rights;

Have a second sight;

Be more polite!

Tho’ at the end of it all

I will be a lot older;

Feel a lot bolder!

It is rather dire,

I might have to retire

And give it the cold shoulder...

Linda Lawrence

20^th May 2015

Sahara

Send A Hose And Rinse Away

On our face, in our hair and over our heads,

Our floors, clothes and our flower beds!

You can keep your rats, cacti and reptiles but

How on earth has it travelled thousands of miles?

Over our houses, our shops and our cars,

Windows and pavements, it's spread so far.

Built sand castles from dunes in our study

But as it rains down it looks so muddy.

You could have sent over some traditional food

And what you’ve delivered over has a strange hue!

Tho' it will come in handy to mix up cement

As we need more houses in Essex and Kent.

Your desert has spilt over our tee shirts,

Blown here and there around our skirts!

Glad you kept hold of all your camels,

Scorpions, snakes and other mammals!

Our beaches now pretty with shingle and sand;

We ought to be grateful that you've lent a hand!

It must have bypassed the Bay of Biscay

And landed on our soil from all that way.

A yellow like coating on bird’s bees and trees

Overseas Sahara in our air and the breeze

And among the rubbish and the debris

Some African sunshine and Vitamin D.

Please next time may the wind blow

Further down south and way down below.

It might be useful for somewhere that snows

And Greenland might like the gift you bestow.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

15th April 2015

I care

I care

Elderly man in a care home with scarf and hat

The company he keeps is a budgie and cat.

A wealth of knowledge and a lifetime of work,

Not one day of sickness or an hour he shirked.

He fought for a better life for us,

Suffered much more than bruises and cuts.

Never once did he ever let us down, but

Some people won't care when he's not around.

The intelligent mind, fought through a war,

Now it seems, he's being ignored.

If only right now, he was able to speak

But some people think he's just a freak.

The medication he takes to keep alive

To get through the day, to breathe and survive.

If only he was given the choice,

It's been so long since he lost his voice.

His mind and thoughts have started to fail,

It won't be long before his body will ail.

But all the doctors are still insisting

That he keeps on living and existing.

It's important that he's kept alive

So big the greed to grow and thrive.

The G.P's will keep handing out the pills

To help along all the aches and ills.

He's lived far too long, can't you see?

Bodily functions not what they used to be.

It's quite wrong for the human anatomy

To make millions for some drug company.

Now, like a zombie, his spirit's died

It's been nine years since he lost his bride.

Did I mention that he has vascular dementia

Do you think he's worth more than a mention?

A memory gone, he's so confused

His life story is now all fused.

He was our hero, a respected man,

We should be helping him all we can.

Although he looks happy in his locked mind

Almost deaf and nearly blind.

Even though he seems resigned.

We must understand and just be kind.

A life of hospital and district nursing;

If he understood, he would be cursing.

Spoon fed, washed, it's become a wage

To look after old people in their old age.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

12th April 2015

For Sale

For Sale

After Christmas celebrations always a rush

To join the reduced price January crush.

But where are the sales

That should be on the rails?

And with all this triteness

And such impoliteness,

My bargain hunting is turning stale.

The chase to find a parking space;

At last! I embrace at a fast pace

Perfectly aligned between bay lines

To avoid a hefty New Year fine

And at such a cost,

In the cold and frost.

Has become such a rat race.

Look for Jeggins, search for Leggings,

Buy extra sheets and some bedding.

Bumpers of jumpers, a new warm coat

A scarf to wear around my throat.

Do I really need all this stuff?

I’ve had enough and out of puff

Need a cup of tea, I’m begging.

Looked through A’s to D’s, no F’s or E’s

And the smaller bras are such a squeeze.

With added pad and plungy bits,

For the ladies with smaller tits!

Surprise surprise, no bras my size!

Thought this problem would arise

But don’t want my boobs to freeze!

I need a wee after a cup of tea

I’ve looked around and cannot see.

It’s such a fight to hold on tight

Breaking my neck, must look a sight!

My face has turned a different hue,

The line for the loo now there are so few

A queue of twelve for just one of three.

The shops and crowds are so loud

Like a herd of elephants on a storm cloud!

No more clothes shopping, now I’m flopping,

Am stopping now and almost dropping.

Just want to be home and left alone

In the comfort of my warm home

In front of T.V. and channel hopping!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

5^th January 2015

Lent

Lent

Now, what is the point in going without?

And what is this Wednesday all about!

I’ve not many sins to repent,

Apart from all the money I’ve spent

Over Christmas and the New Year

And drank too much wine and beer!

I pondered about saving some cash

As it’s so near to this day of Ash.

Thought about giving up smoking

Tho’ my friends will think I’m just joking!

Fast food and chips are on the list but

Family would think I’ve gone round the twist!

Junk food and cheese I’ve contemplated

But don’t really feel too obligated.

Coffee, Ice cream, pasta and booze,

Just don’t know which one to choose!

For forty whole days, I’m going to fast,

Really not sure if I’m going to last!

It’s quite a challenge after Pancake Day

And where food’s concerned I have to say.

I thought give up facebook or even swearing

Or some of the clothes I have been wearing.

Maybe just give up on going to work,

Though colleagues would go quite berserk!

Food is always my biggest weakness

For all its worth with all the bleakness.

I’ll crave for cake and all things sweet

It’s going to be hard not to cheat.

But the following Sunday after lent

Eat chocolate eggs to stay content!

I think those days will be quite tricky

And hope they go by extra quickly!

It seems bizarre that almost in spring

To think about giving up on something.

I honestly think it’s a bad idea

And just go back to my glass of beer...

Linda Lawrence

5^th December 2014

Read for Talking papers