For Sale

For Sale

After Christmas celebrations always a rush

To join the reduced price January crush.

But where are the sales

That should be on the rails?

And with all this triteness

And such impoliteness,

My bargain hunting is turning stale.

The chase to find a parking space;

At last! I embrace at a fast pace

Perfectly aligned between bay lines

To avoid a hefty New Year fine

And at such a cost,

In the cold and frost.

Has become such a rat race.

Look for Jeggins, search for Leggings,

Buy extra sheets and some bedding.

Bumpers of jumpers, a new warm coat

A scarf to wear around my throat.

Do I really need all this stuff?

I’ve had enough and out of puff

Need a cup of tea, I’m begging.

Looked through A’s to D’s, no F’s or E’s

And the smaller bras are such a squeeze.

With added pad and plungy bits,

For the ladies with smaller tits!

Surprise surprise, no bras my size!

Thought this problem would arise

But don’t want my boobs to freeze!

I need a wee after a cup of tea

I’ve looked around and cannot see.

It’s such a fight to hold on tight

Breaking my neck, must look a sight!

My face has turned a different hue,

The line for the loo now there are so few

A queue of twelve for just one of three.

The shops and crowds are so loud

Like a herd of elephants on a storm cloud!

No more clothes shopping, now I’m flopping,

Am stopping now and almost dropping.

Just want to be home and left alone

In the comfort of my warm home

In front of T.V. and channel hopping!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

5^th January 2015

Lent

Lent

Now, what is the point in going without?

And what is this Wednesday all about!

I’ve not many sins to repent,

Apart from all the money I’ve spent

Over Christmas and the New Year

And drank too much wine and beer!

I pondered about saving some cash

As it’s so near to this day of Ash.

Thought about giving up smoking

Tho’ my friends will think I’m just joking!

Fast food and chips are on the list but

Family would think I’ve gone round the twist!

Junk food and cheese I’ve contemplated

But don’t really feel too obligated.

Coffee, Ice cream, pasta and booze,

Just don’t know which one to choose!

For forty whole days, I’m going to fast,

Really not sure if I’m going to last!

It’s quite a challenge after Pancake Day

And where food’s concerned I have to say.

I thought give up facebook or even swearing

Or some of the clothes I have been wearing.

Maybe just give up on going to work,

Though colleagues would go quite berserk!

Food is always my biggest weakness

For all its worth with all the bleakness.

I’ll crave for cake and all things sweet

It’s going to be hard not to cheat.

But the following Sunday after lent

Eat chocolate eggs to stay content!

I think those days will be quite tricky

And hope they go by extra quickly!

It seems bizarre that almost in spring

To think about giving up on something.

I honestly think it’s a bad idea

And just go back to my glass of beer...

Linda Lawrence

5^th December 2014

Read for Talking papers

Rearranged

Rearranged

It’s been quite hard

There have been a few changes,

To my diet, it seemed

Needed rearranging.

Little and often

Not eat after six.

The autoimmune

Needed a quick fix!

Out goes the red

And in comes the white

This fish and this meat

Tastes nice to the bite!

The quorn sausage is nice

With a sausage- like flavour

And once in my mouth

I devour and savour.

I do miss the humus

At the wrong time of night

And sticks of celery

Can be really quite trite.

Missing the coleslaw

And gone are the chips,

Would do anything

For a packet of crisps!

And cheese was my downfall

I loved as a child,

From Stilton to Cheddar

And Edam to Mild.

Mayonnaise and sauces

Have now been banned

It’s all home made

And meals are now planned.

No more of the lamb

Replaced with some chicken

It seems to me

This weight loss will quicken!

The wine it stays

It contains so much fruit!

For a weekend treat

With some nuts en route.

But hey! It seems

My clothes now seem bigger

I guess I just needed

Pre diabetes as a trigger

Copyright Linda Lawrence

10^th October 2014

Christmas Day

Christmas day

I must say that this has got so contrived

While waiting for my invited family to arrive

And at weddings, funerals and over Yuletide

I should be resting but have got overtired.

The Brussels and carrots are now over boiled

After working flat out with all the toil.

The Turkey’s cooked underneath the foil.

(I hope they don’t buy me even more bath oil)

Dinners’ almost cooked, the bird is stuffed

It’s clear to see there’s far too much!

The spuds they are so overcooked

After two glasses of sherry they got overlooked.

Decorations hung, cards sent, am feeling grumpy

The Christmas flavoured gravy has turned out lumpy;

Gifts wrapped, sixpence in pud, plenty of booze

But all I want to do is snooze!

As we all exchanged presents around the table

Father Christmas paper from Aunt Mabel.

I tried to smile as I know she’s just able

To knit a garment in the stitch of cable.

‘Look darling’ she said after removal of wrapping

‘On you it will look nice and rather dashing’!

It should last you a while as it is quite hardy

The multi colours will suit you on your new cardi!

(I’d rather have bath oil) trying to stay composed

‘I’ll put it away for winter’ I tried to propose.

At thirty eight, it don’t look so great, but

I’ll have to wear it for Aunt Mabel at any rate.

As we take turns to open our presents of underwear,

Some liquid soap, socks, hankies, I don't really care!

And more bath oil, plants and slippers I swear,

Some well received wine after a silent prayer!

So much cheese and we’re all cream crackered

While watching Uncle Jack who’s such a slacker!

He drinks our wine and far too much beer

And this seems to happen year on year.

Fill our tummies until our stomachs ache

More to come later after Christmas cake!

We pull Christmas crackers, tell corny jokes

They can be quite funny, all my daft folks.

The Turkey isn’t the only bird that’s stuffed

As my clan sat ‘round the table with a huff and a puff.

 They all shouted in unison enough is enough!

After all said and done, I’m feeling quite chuffed!

The pudding caught alight with no alcohol in sight

It was running too smoothly before this plight.

Too much time preparing, all day and all night

And had a slight hunch that my pud wasn’t right.

Just mind that sixpence added to the mixture

It might just dislodge any dental fixture

It’s to be expected, the yearly ritual

The annual celebrations have become habitual

Our uncle Pete who normally drinks tea,

Today he’s helped himself to more than one whiskey.

As he pours yet another he’s really quite tipsy

And when we start to play games he is getting Frisky!

And after all this we watch the queen on the telly

With burnt pudding, ice cream or some strawberry jelly

A choice of some meats and other stuff from the deli

We won’t be able to see over our bellies.

Don't come back for bubble and squeak

Coz most of Boxing Day I'll be relaxed and asleep.

And while the choirs sing, my debit cards pay

For the twenty four hours that's called Christmas day.

I hope there’s no kissing under the mistletoe

And take your gifts from the tree before you go!

Thanks for your wine, some bottles of Bordeaux

And mind your journey through the rein deer and snow...

Copyright Linda Lawrence

5th September 2014

 

In the cold light of day

In the cold light of day

You stole my bag

With all I had

In the cold light of day

But can say!

Only that I’m glad!

I was somewhat shaken

With what was taken

And thought you’d mistaken.

I was taken aback

With your attack.

Out for a walk

And think I was stalked

Watched me like a hawk,

Along a forest path

But I had the last laugh!

Just Ruby and me

With wild berries and trees

And I’m sure you’ll agree

When I set you free

That what happened was glee!

Don’t think me unkind

When home with your finds.

But sure enough

When you stole my stuff

I called your bluff!

You ran quickly away,

Hope I led you astray!

You got away with it

But have to admit

To my quirky wit.

Now you’re wide eyed

With what was inside

Serves you right snide!

It’s all bona fide

And I’ve brushed it aside.

I enjoyed our walk

And our doggie talks

Her tail she wags

And that was the snag

Her poo was in that bag!

Copyright Linda Lawrence

Having a daft moment.

9^th August 2014

So unimpressive!

So unimpressive

It’s humid, oppressive

And not feeling so clever

Am getting obsessive

About the news and the weather.

The rain is excessive

And very progressive

The mixture of climate

Is just so unimpressive!

It feels very heavy
On my feet so unsteady.
Am feeling quite heady
And got to go steady.

Don’t need my sheet

Got my own body heat

Not smelling so sweet

From the sweat it excretes.

Drips down my face

(And other awkward place)

My heads’ a blank space,

Sit down just in case.

Drinking lots of squash

And need a good wash

Not feeling so posh

The sweats’ so awash.

It is so damn sticky

Am feeling quite sickly.

It’s getting quite tricky.

In the heat getting prickly.

Just want to sleep

Lay down in a heap

Not just count some sheep

Not glow while asleep.

.

Tired, depressive,

And getting aggressive

With lack of slumber,

It’s so unimpressive!

Copyright Linda Lawrence
8^th August 2014

Longing

Longing

I really want to generate

Before they start to disintegrate

And badly want to celebrate,

Before my age starts to accelerate.

I feel a longing to introduce,

So desperate to reproduce.

Create offspring of my own,

Feel so numb and all alone.

My deep desire to give birth

Before I leave this earth,

A craving so profound,

Don’t want to hang around.

A yearning that I crave

Before I reach my grave,

A chance to nurture my spawn

And not die before they’re born.

In my body there are eggs

That could be little arms and legs.

A child I can call mine

But each month they are declined.

I have a deep down need

For the sperm to find my seed.

Am anxious to succeed;

It’s so true that women bleed.

I’m sure I’m not infertile

It will just take a little while.

But just got one life request

To hold my baby to my breast.

Copyright Linda Lawrence

6th August 2014